12/27/2024
I like blogging. I have blogged several times in the past and then I erase it because I simply forget to make entries...Well, as a new years resolution, I am starting to blog again. Perhaps I will remember and do it on a regular basis. I hope so! I have no idea if anyone will even ever read this but it helps me to just vent and rant and rave. I think it could help everyone, if we all remembered to do it lol.
I am glad Christmas is over. I think people make too much of a big deal out of it. Don't get me wrong, I understand the religious reasons people celebrate but all of the gift giving and greed and it really is an awful time of year. People go into debt just trying to make others happy by gifts. People have got to start finding their happiness in other things, non-financial things. I received 1 Christmas gift and 1 Hanukkah gift this year. The Hannukah gift was from a friend and the Christmas gift was from a neighbor. Both very nice gifts and I do appreciate them, but I did not need them. They did not change the way I feel about these people, and I wouldn't never want to be the one to make someone feel bad for not getting me a gift or the right gift or for spending more than they could or whatever. I like the acknowledgement. For my birthday, if you remember it, that's what brings me real joy. Well...that and birthday cake cuz yeah...CAKE! The best gift I got this year was my new doggo. I adopted her. She is 4 years old and name Princess Cupcake She is a Pit bull mix. I am gonna get her dna done if I ever have an extra $40.00. Right now I am saving to start my animal sanctuary so I am spending nothing out of my savings and every other penny I have goes to bills. I do not live an extravagant life, and I am very comfortable with that. I just need my animals for happiness. My 2 cats and now 1 dog. They are my family. They are who and what I am about. If you are interested in learning about my future animal sanctuary, I am working on a website for it now. This blog will not be all ads for my various jobs/work but animals are very important so I will shamelessly post the link here. Thanks for reading!
www.zachfarms.com Click the image below to be automatically redirected to the site.
12/29/2024
I know in blogs you're supposed to put all entries on top of the last entry so the people reading can see the most recent news but I think that is confusing so screw that.
Visited dad yesterday in rehab. He was mostly lucid. The earlier in the day I visit him the more his mind works correctly. The sundowning with dementia isn't talked about enough. The last week or so maybe a bit longer he has thought I was his mom. He thought I was 14. He thought his best friend who passed 25 years ago was still alive and he didn't know that my mom passed 14 years ago. It's sad. He is ok just doesn't like finding out that people he thinks are alive have died. I can't lie about it because then he will be sad that these people are not visiting him. I know that my entire past with my dad was abusive. He lied to me and about me all of the time to anyone who would listen. He beat me and strangled me and took everything I bought with my own money. He locked me out of the house barefoot in the snow. he yelled at me, never talked. He tortured me until I cried several times a day for my entire life, and I am the only one in the family that is now giving a shit about him. The family that believed his bullshit and made me into the black sheep. The family that was NEVER there for me and could care less about the abuse. They of course have abandoned my dad as they don't do anything for anyone but themselves because it would mean putting effort towards someone who is not them.
I am not a hateful person. I am a hurt person. I was bullied my whole life in school and then would go home and get bullied and beaten by dad and brother and verbally abused by my mom. I had all of the warning signs of an abused person but no one gave a shit...if they even noticed as no one in my family has ever noticed me for me. I am working myself up and am out of Prozac so I need to stop this conversation. If I forget to blog in a few days, happy New YEAR!
2025!
1/3/2025
Dad went into hospice yesterday. Today I will be visiting him there. I am really scared of what I will see. They are keeping him comfortable but not treating him for his ailments anymore as the treatments had stopped working. He has been in and out of the hospital and rehab for more than 3 months and at 92 his body doesn't seem to want to function anymore. His mind has been eaten by dementia and he is just gone in so many ways. I am glad they have taken his pain away but I am terrified to see him. I am terrified to see him as a shell of who he used to be. I hope I just see him as my dad. We may not have always gotten along in the past, my childhood...but that does not mean I had any ill-will and I am scared to see him, but I am going to see him. No one else in the family has reached out to him. They have not asked where his hospice is or if they can do something as simple as calling him. This is the family I grew up with. No one should pass feeling alone and abandoned and my dad will not as I will be there. I have always been there, even for the rest of the family who has basically thrown me away because they found it easier than taking the effort to get to know me. I do feel a little bitter, but I think it is out of sorrow and fear because for the most part I am used to my family never talking to me and always talking about me. I realize me blogging about it makes it seem like I am not over it, so maybe I am not but I have truly accepted it. You have to accept things like this otherwise you will be eaten alive by it and I don't believe any of these people are worth that much time and energy. So, I will visit my dad today and I will make sure he knows he is not alone.
1/10/2025
On January 4th, 2025 my father passed away peacefully. At least they said it was peacefully. He was in hospice and they said they were giving him enough meds to keep him comfy...but who really knows? We can only hope, and I hope!
I have been working on trying to get this house cleaned out and up so I can move. I only had enough money to pay a small amount of all of the utilities as this house is big and the units are old and the prices are high to just keep this place going. I have about 20 days until I have to move into my van. Happy 2025, I am an orphan at 49. My brother died. My grandma died. My mom died. My son died. My dad died and now there is me. All alone in this world that will be taken over by Republican jackasses who will do their best to keep us poor people poor and they will be able to because all of the sheep bow down before the orange creep they serve.
Rest in peace family. I hope you do not take it wrong that I am not planning to join you up in the stars for many many decades. <3
1/13/2025
I am an empath
I feel so much
Without a touch
Without a sound
Only strangers around
They see me as bait
Bait for them to hate
They throw their evils in the wind
And my damn soul takes them in
I go through their hurt
I feel all of their pain
And then before
They can even explain
They leave me alone
To fend for myself
They leave me so they can
Destroy someone else.
~Empaths sometimes go beyond empathy by taking on the emotions of others, which can come at the cost of their own emotional well-being.~
1/17/2025
My ex will be out of prison next year, so if I go missing know Scott J.D. Smith killed me. I just want people to write that name down because his threats to me were vicious and he was imprisoned for brutality against me at one time. He has now been in prison for over a decade due to his child phonography collection which I knew nothing about but he is a violent, narcissistic psychopath and I just want to make sure if I am killed, people know his name and tell his name. I don't wanna talk about this or remember it anymore but I am going to add his prison link here so you can see who he is so you can all be weary. Thank you.
https://pubapps.fdc.myflorida.com/OffenderSearch/detail.aspx?Page=Detail&DCNumber=148760&TypeSearch=AI
Or click the circle below.
